"When my heart is dusty with the world,
filled with fading things,
and drought has started claiming all that's good,
You supply rain."
Several years ago, as I was reeling from a heart wrenching relationship breakup, the start of a confusing church breakup and subsequent worship team that fell apart, and a few friendships that had gone south, I was overwhelmed and overcome. God, what is going on right now? Who would ever want to be a part of a church when these things are possible? Who would ever want to be around people when these behaviors are possible? What about all the dreams I talked about with so and so? I thought that person would be my friend forever, why did she do that to me?
On top of that, I was just a few years removed from my dad passing away unexpectedly. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing with myself or what I wanted to do to make a living for myself. And I had big dreams of what was possible in life, but nothing seemed to be satisfying me. Everything just felt bleh.
Lots of tears were shed during this time in my life. Hours spent replaying things and conversations over and over in my head. Many days where it was utter torture to get out of bed and do what needed to be done that day. Until one day, I could feel the Lord whisper to my soul, "Come and sit with me. Be quiet in my presence for a little while." This invitation felt like the first deep breath I had been able to take in weeks. I was used to a daily "quiet time" or daily devotional time, but this felt different.
I grabbed my Bible, and sat on my bedroom floor staring out the window. More tears came. I didn't open my Bible or pray, I literally just sat, thinking about the Lord and being aware of His presence. As He began to comfort me and work on my heart, He directed me to so many places in the Psalms about where I was at, what I was experiencing, and who He was through it all:
Psalm 56:8, "You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in Your bottle.
You have recorded each one in Your book."
Psalm 37:7, "Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him;"
Psalm 34:18-19, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
The righteous person faces many troubles,
but the Lord comes to the rescue each time."
This moment in time, this part of my story, was a life changing one for me. I continued for weeks and months with having these daily times of just sitting quietly as I sought His direction and wisdom in navigating what was going on. Through these times of sitting quietly before God and focusing more on His Word and who He was than on the circumstances and decisions swirling around me, He taught me so much about who He is, He taught me how to let go and truly forgive, and He showed me that my life, my purpose, and any calling or dream I may have are first and foremost given from Him and are about Him. I had only been a Christian for a handful of years at this point, and this experience with God shaped so much of my faith and belief in a great, big God who cares about every single one of the small, intricate details.
Eventually, I started journaling during these times. Thoughts, feelings, poetry, song lyrics, doodles, anything that came to mind and needed to get out of my head. Pouring out my worship before God in some ways that I never really had before. And not too long after this experience, I had the opportunity to record my first album, "The Way of Things". So many of the emotions, thoughts, and sorrows I had navigated during that difficult time ended up as song lyrics in the songs on that album. It was a tangible example of the redemption, healing, processing, thankfulness, forgiveness, growth, deeper roots, and faith that God taught me. Absolutely nothing is wasted when everything belongs to God.
If you're sitting in it today - sorrow, confusion, grief, church hurt, relational messes, business mistakes, personal struggle, overwhelm, etc - let God sit with you in it. Be quiet and let Him comfort you with no timeline, strategy, expectations, or productivity attached. Let Him teach you through His Word about His character and how He wants to grow your character. Then let Him guide and direct your steps to whatever might be next.